I'm supposed to be using the blog to write to William, which I thoroughly enjoy, don't get me wrong. However, I think it would be a good idea to use it to write about myself and what it's like to be a mother. After all, the title does include the entire family....
I was the first member of my friends to get married, to get pregnant. These two things were planned, one just came a little sooner than anticipated. Therefore, it's been hard to find people to talk to. I don't really know any mothers who have had children in the last five years, so all my advice is incredibly outdated at times. This makes it really difficult to find reassurance when I am freaking out because William won't sleep or keeps spitting up. I am, however, especially grateful for my family and friends who support me and my husband.
There are somethings that I never realized about being a mom. I thought, stupid girl that I was, that it would be easy. I imagined an 8 pound baby, all rosy-cheeked that I was able to breastfeed and put to sleep in a bassinet when we came home from the hospital. I imagined being able to burp him every time without fail, that he would only cry when he was hungry or sleepy and I or Daniel would magically be able to fix it immediately.
Like I said, stupid girl.
I gave birth to a 4 pound, 14 ounce little one, two weeks before he was due to arrive. I had to lay on my side for the entire labor, because if I was on my back his heart rate would drop dangerously low. Three days after bringing him home, we had to take him back to the hospital for three days for jaundice and low body temperature. I wasn't able to make enough milk to feed him and felt like a complete failure for it. When I brought him home, he wouldn't sleep on his back, partially because I was terrified to let him sleep alone and held him all the time. Now he sleeps on his stomach in the bed between Daniel and I, something that all the baby books gasp at the thought of. Sometimes he cries for no reason. He used to cry and spit up when he ate. Now we have to give him medicine for reflux and feed him baby cereal in his bottles so he will keep it down. William is 12 weeks old and doesn't fit into hardly any of the 3 month clothes and just now got to where he fits into size 1 diapers.
As a mom, I am moody and sometimes depressed, something which I haven't really talked to anyone but Daniel about. I get mad at stupid things and am incredibly anxious about the baby while I am away from him. I cry often for no reason, cannot properly fit into the majority of my clothes, and argue with my husband on a nightly basis because he's "doing something wrong". We also still live with my parents because we can't make enough money to live on our own while I go to school for something that I love.
On the other side, I have an adorable little one. I sometimes am the only one who makes him happy. When he wakes up and sees my face, I am greeted with the most heart melting smile in the world. William weighs eight pounds now, has the chubbiest thighs and toes, and likes to blow spit bubbles and stare at lamps. He likes when his daddy changes his diaper and takes his nose (it's hard to explain unless you have a baby...or have met my husband...). William has an entire family and "family" who loves him immensely.
My husband loves me ridiculously, no matter how crazy I get. He is often the only one who can make me feel better. He lets me sleep for work while he takes care of the baby and doesn't care that I get mad at him for dumb things (at least most of the time...). Daniel supports my decisions and doesn't care that I would rather achieve my greater goals than settle for a 9-5 job doing something that I hate.
This is what it is like to be a mom. It's the most beautiful, terrifying thing and no baby book can prepare you for it (although they do help at times). It's something you don't know you can handle until you try it. And I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to do it now rather than later.
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