The Truth About Being A Mom

I'm supposed to be using the blog to write to William, which I thoroughly enjoy, don't get me wrong. However, I think it would be a good idea to use it to write about myself and what it's like to be a mother. After all, the title does include the entire family....

I was the first member of my friends to get married, to get pregnant. These two things were planned, one just came a little sooner than anticipated. Therefore, it's been hard to find people to talk to. I don't really know any mothers who have had children in the last five years, so all my advice is incredibly outdated at times. This makes it really difficult to find reassurance when I am freaking out because William won't sleep or keeps spitting up. I am, however, especially grateful for my family and friends who support me and my husband.

There are somethings that I never realized about being a mom. I thought, stupid girl that I was, that it would be easy. I imagined an 8 pound baby, all rosy-cheeked that I was able to breastfeed and put to sleep in a bassinet when we came home from the hospital. I imagined being able to burp him every time without fail, that he would only cry when he was hungry or sleepy and I or Daniel would magically be able to fix it immediately.

Like I said, stupid girl.

I gave birth to a 4 pound, 14 ounce little one, two weeks before he was due to arrive. I had to lay on my side for the entire labor, because if I was on my back his heart rate would drop dangerously low. Three days after bringing him home, we had to take him back to the hospital for three days for jaundice and low body temperature. I wasn't able to make enough milk to feed him and felt like a complete failure for it. When I brought him home, he wouldn't sleep on his back, partially because I was terrified to let him sleep alone and held him all the time. Now he sleeps on his stomach in the bed between Daniel and I, something that all the baby books gasp at the thought of. Sometimes he cries for no reason. He used to cry and spit up when he ate. Now we have to give him medicine for reflux and feed him baby cereal in his bottles so he will keep it down. William is 12 weeks old and doesn't fit into hardly any of the 3 month clothes and just now got to where he fits into size 1 diapers.

As a mom, I am moody and sometimes depressed, something which I haven't really talked to anyone but Daniel about. I get mad at stupid things and am incredibly anxious about the baby while I am away from him. I cry often for no reason, cannot properly fit into the majority of my clothes, and argue with my husband on a nightly basis because he's "doing something wrong". We also still live with my parents because we can't make enough money to live on our own while I go to school for something that I love.

On the other side, I have an adorable little one. I sometimes am the only one who makes him happy. When he wakes up and sees my face, I am greeted with the most heart melting smile in the world. William weighs eight pounds now, has the chubbiest thighs and toes, and likes to blow spit bubbles and stare at lamps. He likes when his daddy changes his diaper and takes his nose (it's hard to explain unless you have a baby...or have met my husband...). William has an entire family and "family" who loves him immensely.

My husband loves me ridiculously, no matter how crazy I get. He is often the only one who can make me feel better. He lets me sleep for work while he takes care of the baby and doesn't care that I get mad at him for dumb things (at least most of the time...). Daniel supports my decisions and doesn't care that I would rather achieve my greater goals than settle for a 9-5 job doing something that I hate.

This is what it is like to be a mom. It's the most beautiful, terrifying thing and no baby book can prepare you for it (although they do help at times). It's something you don't know you can handle until you try it. And I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to do it now rather than later.

Dear William: Week 10

Dear boy, you have the soul of an old man. You don't like to be cold, you wear your jammies all the time, and have perfected the grumpy face.

It is adorable.

You've started to smile more and more each day, much to our delight. It makes my brain explode with cute each time I see it. But you had your shots a few days ago and haven't really be acting like yourself. I enjoy the cuddles, but you just don't seem as happy.

I can't believe how big you are getting! You finally hit the eight pound mark. You've come a long way from the little one that you were at birth. You make us proud everyday.

I know I've fallen behind with this, so I hope you forgive me, my love. Just leaves me more time to spend with you. :)

Dear William: Week 9

Hello my little guy.

I am amazed at how big you are getting. You have completely grow out of almost all your newborn clothes and finally can wear your tiny pants that I have been wanting you to wear! Embarrassing, I know, but you'll thank me when your legs aren't freezing.

You had a little bit of surgery last week, also known as a circumcision. I will spare you and everyone the gory details, but I think your dad is traumatized. You handled it like a big boy and I gave you a mental high five when you peed on the clueless intern who gave you the numbing medicine. Obviously she didn't know what good aim you have.


You have officially started smiling, especially when I walk into the room, your daddy tickles you, or you see your favorite toy elephant. (I hate to disappoint you, but elephants do not have rattles on their feet in real life. Unless they are in the circus. Which we will discuss later.) Your smile is kind of like Bigfoot: only a few people have seen it and we can never get it legitimately on tape. You also have a brand new baby gym which you love, partially because you can finally see all the pretty colors. It's ocean themed, so I hope this means you become something awesome, like a marine biologist...or a shark wrangler.

We love you and your little personality. I cannot wait to see what is next, my little genius.

Love,

Mama.

Dear William: Weeks 7+8

Dear William,

Alright, your mama has been slacking. Between school, work, and giving you all the love in the world, it's hard to remember to write something for you! Thankfully you are currently sleeping bundled on the couch like a champ (don't worry. Your daddy is sitting beside you to be sure you don't roll away), which gives me some time.

Week 7. I die every time you make this face.

You have quite the personality. You love to "talk", making little baby sounds that cause my heart to explode. And your eyes are TO DIE FOR. You have a special way of finding me as soon as I walk into the room and I know that we are thinking the same thing: love. Holding your head up is your newest accomplishment. Sometimes, however, you look like you are dancing with your erratic head bobs and it cracks me up. You will be quite the little comedian one day. This evening you decided to head butt me in the tooth, which because you are so darn cute I quickly forgave you.

Week 8. Taken before an ever-exciting trip to Walmart.

I just want you to know that you are incredibly loved by pretty much everyone. It's not just your dad and I, or your grandparents. You have a great-grandma who loves you very much and three uncles who think you are the coolest. Not to mention all the honorary aunts and uncles you have throughout the state. I can't wait until you get to meet them and actually remember their faces. Hopefully they'll be in your life for a long while.


Love,

Mama.

Dear William: Weeks 5 and 6

Dear William,

I was a little busy this week, so I am combining two weeks in one letter. I am sure you will forgive me.

You are quite the tricky one. You like to pretend that you are sleeping and then immediately open your eyes and begin squeaking once I lay down. Cute, but not good for Mama's general health. I'm sure one day you will be more sympathetic...at least I hope you will be...

Over the past two weeks you have lost all the hair on the top of your head and subsequently started growing more hair on your eyebrows (I am very proud). You are also shedding your skin like a snake or your grandpa with a sunburn and I CAN'T HELP BUT PEEL IT. I think I need a pair of those mittens you're being tortured with on a nightly basis. Did I mention you like to scratch yourself? You get so worked up sometimes, especially in the car, and for some reason like to take it out on your face. Your MeMe even filed down your nails, but it was no use. I promise you won't always have to wear mittens, since after a certain age I think it's frowned upon. You also love to watch television. I think it's the colors but I would like to think that you really are interested in what we are watching. You especially liked watching your first basketball game the other day. Thankfully, the Tarheels won, so they gave a good first impression.

Week 5, also known as "Zombie Time"

 Your dad and I love you more and more every day. I know, I say that a lot, but it's true. You are the cutest little person and I love that you are such a weirdo. You like to put your hands and/or a foot down my shirt as I carry you and you like to suck on your daddy's fingers when you are hungry. The other night you went after his entire arm and I laughed for a good long while. Hopefully when I finally get a job you'll save all the cute stuff for when I get home.

Week 6. Look at those cheeks!

Thanks for putting up with us for this long. I promise, we are learning and are only here to serve you.

Love,

Mama

Dear William: One Month Old

Dear William,

Today you are one month old! These four weeks have really flown by. You've gained a little bit of weight (we think you've finally hit six pounds!) and your eyes are now the color of your daddy's. We both kinda hope it stays that way. You spent your one month birthday in Charlotte, taking a hearing test since you decided to fail your first two. Looks like you like to play tricks on us, because you passed with flying colors. The only issue we had was the mean lady doctor had to exfoliate your head to get the electrode to stick. Yeah, you didn't like that too much...

So far, you love to watch tv and play with your hands. You're really good at hiding your pacifier and/or throwing it on the floor. You also went from eating two ounces a bottle to four ounces a bottle. We're figuring it's a growth spurt or you're just going to be a giant. You also were able to hold the bottle on your own today, but I think that was a fluke.

I can't wait to see what you're able to do in the next month. You are already so smart and sweet that I'm so excited to see your little smiles and play with you. Happy one month birthday, sweet baby.

Love,
Mama

Dear William: Week Three

Dear William,

I've finally remembered to start writing my letters to you! Hopefully you'll forgive me. It's incredibly difficult to recall things when I am incredibly tired.

These first three weeks have been pretty crazy. You've invaded our home in quite a noisy fashion. I can't do anything without hearing your little squawks echoing throughout the house, which are incredibly adorable by the way. You have your dad and I completely trained; you go into pterodactyl mode and we come running, bottle or blankie in hand. And I don't mind it one bit :)

You already look more like your dad than me, at least I think so. You have a cute bottom lip and make grumpy little faces, like your dad. Both of you even sleep the same way: mouth wide open. I'm determined something's just going to fly in there one day, your mouth falls open so wide. But I see myself whenever you grip my fingers with your long fingers or kick out your long legs. We even have the same feet (which I will apologize for in the future, especially if you're ten and wearing a size 10).

Right now you are asleep in my lap, pacifer kind of falling out because you are so out of it. I am falling more and more in love with you each day, even though some times I am so tired that I kind of forget. It makes me so proud to see you grab your pacifer or hold your head up. You can even raise your body up when you're on your belly. Your head just hasn't started cooperating yet. Soon you'll be smiling and laughing and I'll be completely yours. I mean, I already am. You just don't realize it yet.
I know you'll do great things and I can't wait to help you achieve them. But right now I'm just happy with the snuggles you let me have.